i have a problem. actually two.

actually a lot but i'm only going to talk about two.

1. i buy dishes too much. 

four new mugs. nitza's going to be so mad.  something just comes over me and i cant help but buy a set of two.  and a set of two usually turns into a set of four and a set of four sometimes turns into all of them in the store.  it's a little hard to explain but i'm just really nuts about my future kitchen.  i long for a place of permanence where i can disperse what i've collected for so many years.  being attached to such fragile things has really been hard on my health though. i think my heart is turning into porcelain. each chip feels like a fracture in my chest.  

2. i'm obsessed with a gardenia

my new baby plant is thriving, one bloom after the next. the leaves are a deep, healthy emerald, and the scent so sweet, almost an instant headache.  like a bruise.  the week my dad died  one of tata's gardenias bloomed unseasonally, so we put it in his pocket.  they remind me of him. maybe thats why their intense fragrance is so comforting but sharp and overwhelming at the very same time. now their plants are pale and bare. it really upsets me to see them so fragile.  this flower has somehow come to represent my family, my roots.  tata and jedo are getting older and its getting more and more apparent that i've ignored a great source of wealth.  i have some recipes written down but all of jedos cookbooks are written in arabic.  i will learn arabic and i will go to lebanon.  i will live there one day with a garden of gardenias and i will eat lebni and zeitune for breakfast every morning.  i just want everything to be beautiful for everyone forever.